Charu

Pretty much any decent blog with an author who is a student of AU has an article on "Charulatha Publications". In other words, I know its been done before, but then "charu" isn't exactly about originality, is it?

For those of you who don't know what Charu is, here are its salient features:

1. Zero prior knowledge required for usage: You don't need to know anything to use this book. Seriously. A kindergarten kid could write an AU exam if you gave him a charu an hour before.

2. Zero knowledge gained upon usage: Charulatha doesn't unnecessarily deplete your brain power for insignificant and completely unnecessary things like end-semester engineering college exams. The state of your brain is restored to what it was before within five minutes of coming out of the exam hall.

3. Exam-oriented: No flowery talk like those foreign authors about engineering for a better future or the complexities of software design and how to overcome them. With charu, its all about the magic number: 50, which is what you need to pass, out of 100.

4. Intended for those with "time-bound" goals in their life: In other words, if you start studying a whole day before the exam, you don't need charu. Any lesser and charu becomes a necessity.

5. Zero originality: Everything is lifted from elsewhere. All diagrams in charu you will also find in an "international author" textbook. That way, you have the best of both worlds: the no-brains-required for charu and the diagrams from the international author book, which is all you would have seen if you had used that book anyway.

6. Charu is, above all else, AFFORDABLE: Excerpt from one of my IM convos:

Vilok says: [info from charu website]
Book title : Professional Ethics
Author(s) name : Dr. S.R. Krishnamurthy
Price : Rs. 70
Availability : Available

urban_velocity_69 says: 70?
urban_velocity_69 says: mocha vertigo is costlier da

See? Affordable.

And in case you're wondering, the "availability" of all their books is listed as "available" on their website.

7. Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Charu is. You have to see it for yourself: Apart from being a cheap rip-off off from "The Matrix", the above sentence is also a fact. I could describe and praise these books to no end but you can gain knowledge of the freedom that The Charu represents only when you have 20 minutes to go before the exam and realize you don't know jack.

8. Good English is the unnecessaries when you are steading the engineering collages: Self-explanatory.

9. God spalling also definately is not necassary: Also self-exponotary.

10. And while we're at it, let's inshert a few typograshical errars here and ther. You know, just in case the book starts looking like a real textbook to a drunken monkey on cocaine.

The following diagram shows the trends in various important attributes of the each of book choices that AU students have, or something like that:



Last but not least, are the people behind Charulatha Publications. We need to appreciate the effort these people put into "writing" these books. All that plagiarism, uh, I mean "authoring" takes a helluvalotta work. With names like these, who needs rock stars? Visit the website, you'll know what I'm talking about:

http://www.charulathapublication.com/UniversityBooks.aspx

thankyouforcallingcustomercare

Ever called the "friendly" customer care centre of your phone company or ISP? You will not get a human being on the line immediately. It takes a bit of jugglery with your phone and you have to press at least a dozen buttons before you get to talk to a real person. Apparently the human population on the planet has increased so much that there aren't enough customer care execs to answer all these calls. So these companies are beginning to count on the fact that at least a few people will have intelligence levels low enough to not get through to a real live human being when they call customer care. They call it an Interactive Voice Response System (IVRS). I did a little bit of decoding work on this acronym and realized that its just the word VIRUS written in a really funny way (well, sort of). And the voice... slow and deliberate... makes you wanna kill yourself or at least kill someone else. Anyway, here's my experience with one such call. It is inspired by real-life incidents:

"Thank you for calling Customer Care. For products and services press 1. For pricing information press 2. For information on roaming, press 3. For value added services, press 4. For Information oriented services press 5. For Internet access services, press 6. For delivery press 7. For corporate information press 8. To speak to a customer care executive press 9. To activate national roaming and sms please disconnect and dial 1234. To hear these options again, press *."
I take a couple minutes at this point to try and recall all the options and try to decide whether my query would best be categorized as an information service-related one or as an internet access service-related one. Or maybe as a value added service query. Hmmm... I think and think and then finally give up and decide to press 9 and talk to a person. Just as I'm about to do this:

"I'm sorry... You have exceeded the maximum time allotted to you. Please try again later."

So, i call back immediately.

"Thank you for calling Customer Care. For products and ....."
(i interrupt and press 9)

"Please listen to all the options before making your choice. For products and services press 1. For pricing information press 2. For information on roaming, press 3. For value added services, press 4. For Information oriented services press 5. For Internet access services, press 6. For delivery press 7. For corporate information press 8. To speak to a customer care executive press 9. To activate national roaming and sms please disconnect and dial 1234. To hear these options again, press *."

I wait a second and press 9.

"Please wait. Your call is being forwarded to our customer care executive. Please wait. Your call is being forwarded to our customer care executive. Please wait. Your call is being forwarded to our customer care executive. Please wait. Your call is being forwarded to our customer care executive."

(trrrring...)

I heave a sigh of relief. Finally, human contact has been made.

Customer Care (CC) : thankyouforcallingcustomercare
youaretalkingtopunkasshowmayihelpyou
Me (Me) : Uh, yeah. I have a problem with my ABC service.
CC : mayihaveyournameandtelephonenumberplease
Me: Yeah. Vilok. 42425658. (not my real number, by the way)
CC: thankyouforgivingmethosedetails
mistervinodhowmayihelpyou
Me: My service got cut off yesterday. I've not been able to use it since.
CC: pleaseholdonforonesecondsir
(now i'm just holding the line. some music plays. after a couple minutes, the CC person comes back)
CC: thankyouforholdingthelinemistervinodiamhavingyour
detailsinfrontofmepleasetellmewhatistheproblem
Me: My service got cut off yesterday. I've not been able to use it since.
CC: pleaseholdonsir.iwillcontactmytechnicaldepartment.
(cool music again; i'm headbangin now)
CC: thankyouforholdingthelinemistervinodihaveplaceda
complaintwithourtechnicaldepartment.
theywillcontactyoushortly.
iwillgiveyouacomplainnumberpleasetakedown. isthereanythingelseicanhelpyouwithmistervinod?
Me: No, nothing else. Thank you.
CC:thankyouforcallingcustomercarehaveaniceday.
Me: Can I talk to the IVRS? I can't understand what you're saying. Or can I at least listen to that music again? Hello?

Driving in Chennai

I'm just sitting at the wheel of my car, minding my own business, following the rules and going to wherever it is I'm going. Suddenly, out of nowhere I see to my left this guy in his auto. The windows are closed so I don't understand what he's saying but he looks angry and I see his lips move.

He's got a deadly moustache, one of the coolest haircuts I've seen in a long time and he's wearing one of those designer lungis.

I can vaguely make out what he's saying: "Otha mayiru, sidule poda". (Rough translation: You bloody pubic hair, go by the side) Yea, they actually have a word for that in Tamil. Cool, no?

Etiquette is one of the most important things in life and one must defend one's honor in a suitable way when challenged. So I screw up my face into a really disgusting position and just give him the customary hand movement and say: "Dei poooodaaaa". (Rough translation: F*** off, beeyaatch.)

I reach the place where I was going and I get out of my car. I wanna cross the road. I see one side of it is empty. I cross this half and go stand in the centre, waiting for the rest of the road to clear. Suddenly, out of nowhere I see this dude coming on his 1965 model Bajaj scooter. He shouts at me, (and this time I hear it clearly) : "Dei saettu payyan, oram poda" (Rough translation: You merchant boy, go by the side.) Merchant boy?

I quickly perform a calculation in my mind. If I shout at him or even given him "the hand" (No, this is not the world-famous "finger", it is a special gesture native to Tamil Nadu), he might get off his scooter and kick my ass. I won't be able to escape because I'm not in my car. So, I decide to let him win. A strategic move.

I don't respond. It is indeed necessary for one to defend one's honor, as stated above. But suicide is not warranted.

And apparently everyone in the city is obsessed with getting me to go by the side, so I quickly cross the road and start to "go by the side".

I finish my work and get back to the car. Now I have one more place to go, but I don't know exactly where it is. So, I get to somewhere in the area and stop near some teashop. I roll down the window and ask some guy standing outside the teashop for directions. He seems very eager to help: "Oh, indha yedamaaa? Nayraaaaa po... Leftu vanam, rightu vanam... Addiye poinay iru... Oru randu kilomeettarkaprom oru siyinal varom... Siyinal le leftu vanam, rightu vanam... Addiye nayraaaa po...." (Rough translation: Oh, this place aaaa? Go straight. Left no need, right no need. Like this itself keep going. After two kilometers, one signal will come. In the signal, left no need, right no need. Like this itself you keep going straight.)

At this point, I stop listening. He goes on for another five minutes, asking me to take about 10-15 turns along the way. When he stops, I thank him, then go ahead another 30 feet, stop again and try my luck there with the man selling bananas. After 5-6 such tries, I find a guy whose directions I can actually understand.

The moral of the story is that driving in Chennai is not an ordinary experience. It is a cultural one. You get to meet the people, learn new words, analyze new accents and on the way, even have a little fun.

Oxymoron - Engineering College Life

I've spent almost three years now in an Indian engineering college. And like many of my peers, I've become somewhat of an authority on any and all things related to engineering college life. I've gathered a few facts and presented them here so that other people can benefit from my experiences.

When you're in an engineering college, there are a few questions for which there are a small, finite number of correct answers. Here are some of these questions and their answers, for your reference. Replying to any of these questions using answers not listed here is considered extremely hazardous.

Question: How did you do? [with reference to end-semester university exam]
Acceptable replies:
1. I got screwed.
2. I got f***ed.
3. I got ROYALLY screwed/f***ed.
4. I'm surely getting an arrear/kt.
5. Man, this university sucks, they're screwing us.
6. 50% of the paper was out of syllabus.
7. I don't wanna talk about it. (for extra effect, try slapping the person who asked you, or pushing them really hard)
8. Are you TRYING to piss me off?
9. Any other answer along similar lines is acceptable, but the most preferred ones are as listed above.

Completely unacceptable reply: [Don't try this at home]
F***in' awesome dude!!! I rocked that paper!!! (you'll probably be dead by the time you finish this sentence, remember you're surrounded by pissed off engg. coll. students who've just come out of the exam hall)

Question: How did you do? [with reference to unit test]
Acceptable reply: Who gives a f***? Its only a unit test. (Note that this is the ONLY correct reply; any other reply will get you branded as "studious" for the rest of your engg. coll. life)

Question: What subject do we have next hour?
Acceptable replies:
1. I don't know.
2. I don't know. What difference does it make? We're all gonna sleep anyway.
3. I don't know. I got food. We can eat during class.
4. I don't know. Why do you care?
5. I don't know. Why, you plannin' to listen in class or something?
6. I don't know. Look up the timetable if you're that bored.
7. I don't know. I got comics in my bag. We can read those during class.
8. I don't know. Ask someone else.
9. Any other sentence that starts with the words 'I don't know' is implicitly acceptable.

Question: Who's your favorite professor?
Acceptable reply: Kick the person who asked you in the groin.

Things you will NEVER hear an engg. coll. student say:
1. Charulata sucks. I'm reading from international author book.
2. Man, I love this college. [an exception to this are final year students who're leaving college and have quickly forgotten how crappy their time here was and are getting all nostalgic about
going away]
3. I finished studying. I'm revising.
4. Wow! He/she teaches so well.
5. I'm so grateful for all the freedom they give us in college.
6. This subject is so interesting.
7. I wish I'd studied from the beginning of the semester.
8. I want to have a comprehensive understanding of this subject.
9. There's so many books I want to read in this library.
10. This canteen food is really good.

Things I learned in college:
1. AU prescribes Kreyszig for Mathematics because its all red and shiny. It has nothing to do with the subject at hand. That's the reason why there are so many unborrowed copies of it in the library, not because you're lucky to have gotten there early.
2. Marks have nothing to do with how much you've studied. Absolutely nothing. Several scientists have claimed that there is some relation between these two quantities although they have not been able to provide any solid proof to that effect. Some have even suggested an inverse relationship between the two. But the fact remains that there is absolutely no connection between them. They are totally unrelated.
3. There are effectively only one or two usable urinals in every gents toilet in the college - those which are not in front of windows.
4. Use jargon. A lot of it. Whenever you can, wherever you can. It sounds intelligent and people will think you actually know something.
5. Representation is very important. When you're writing your semester exam/unit test, draw lots of lines and boxes. It helps. If possible, use multiple colored pens.
6. Equations rule.
7. Diagrams also rule.
8. There's a fine line between what you know and what you can fool other people into thinking you know. Learning how to walk it is extremely important for survival in an engineering college.
9. Engineering college students cant talk at a highly intellectual level about any topic under the sun.

Well, that's it for now. More gyaan later.